The Pull of Paradise
A Play in One Act
by
Michael Thomas Tower
(Performance time: Approximately 17 minutes)
© 2005 Michael Thomas Tower
All Rights Reserved
Queries regarding production or presentation of this play
in any manner whatsoever should be directed to the author
MTTower@aol.com
PP0507b
Synopsis
Myrna Jean and Freddie Mae are on the verge of a breakup. They've lived in their home at Paradise Point Trailer Park for a good many very happy years. But Myrna claims that Freddie Mae has done her a grievous wrong and insists they must now go their separate ways -- even though, she admits, she still loves Freddie Mae. Mama, with more wiliness than wisdom, comes up with the solution that keeps them all together.
Characters
Myrna Jean & Freddie Mae -- Females in their mid 30s, at least.
Mama -- Female; old enough to be the mother of either Myrna Jean or Freddie Mae.
Setting
The small, cramped living room-dining room-kitchen area of a mobile home with a good many years of rugged experience to its credit.
The Pull of Paradise
myrna jean
I'm not fully enamored with this here little scheme f'r dividin' up the property.
(myrna jean reads from a single handwritten page. freddie mae casually holds a guitar which she softly and inexpertly handles. Then she strums dissonant chords as she sings a discordant reply.)
freddie mae
Oh lookie here, it's very clear
That somethin's got your goat, my dear --
myrna jean
Despite how perty I've made this place with all-a them fuchsias hangin' out front ...
freddie mae
Which I wash the dust off of ever' week for you.
myrna jean
... an' the cute little trolls I put by the step ...
freddie mae
Pertected by that Goodyear recap I painted pink for you.
myrna jean
... if I've got to sell out an' move on, I couldn' get six bits f'r a single-wide as old an' chewed up as this thang is.
freddie mae
Why the heck would you be thankin' about sellin' out an' "movin' on"?
myrna jean
That's what people do when they break up, Freddie Mae. They "move on."
freddie mae
You been a-watchin' too much-a that there Doctor Phil.
myrna jean
It's called "fore-closure."
freddie mae
'Member when we left Beaumont an' moved here to Nevada ... ?
myrna jean
Seventeen looong years ago ...
freddie mae
... you proclaimed with unadulterated rapture that Paradise Point Trailer Park was the pot at the end-a your rainbow.
myrna jean
That's before I found out the bucket was full-a fool's gold -- before the love-a my life broke my fragile heart inta sharp and pointy shards of great despair. Now look at my legacy -- a wore-out, beat-up ol' trailer that couldn' tote a load-a duck down.
freddie mae
Well the only other thang we got worth a buzzard's beak is the pickup, and unless you wanna learn how to drive -- a stick-shift, that only goes forward, stuck in second -- then that's not gonna do you much good.
myrna jean
An' just why is it you're the one gettin' the chickens?
freddie mae
Y'don't eat eggs, Myrna Jean.
myrna jean
I eat chickens!
freddie mae
Y'know those little darlin's are not f'r eatin'. I raised'em as pets.
myrna jean
Trainin' them critters to set, heel an' hump your leg does not make'em pets.
freddie mae
You wouldn' let me have a dog.
myrna jean
'Cuz it would eat the chickens!
freddie mae
Not if it was trained to set, heel and hump your leg!
(freddie mae strums a final sour chord to punctuate her point and sets the guitar aside.)
(continuing) freddie mae (continuing)
And I am not a-tall reconciled to you gettin' the guitar, Myrna Jean.
myrna jean
It was either that or the monkey wrench.
freddie mae
Oh ... well, yeah -- if I get the pickup, I perty much gotta have the monkey wrench.
myrna jean
Besides, you ain't never gonna learn to play the thang.
freddie mae
Hey, I got that there Vince Gill CD, didn' I?
myrna jean
I hate to be the one to tell you this, but talent don't come by osmosis!
freddie mae
What's bad breath got to do with it?
myrna jean
Listenin' to "What the Cowgirls Do," repeatin' over an' over, all night long, idn' never gonna make your spastic little fingers nimble enough to give the world a recognizable G-flat major seventh -- dee-minished or not.
freddie mae
You don't know that f'r sure. If you'd just let me practice a mite longer ...
myrna jean
You are makin' the chickens howl!
freddie mae
You're bein' awful persnickety. When we bought this little plot-a eternal sunshine ...
myrna jean
When I was but a slip of a girl ...
freddie mae
... you said it was your dream come true. You an' me settlin' down in this little haven of rocky sand, prickly pears an' horny toads was ever'thang you longed for. That's what you said.
myrna jean
The glib an' senseless jabberin' of pensive youth ...
freddie mae
And all-a these years we been happy here -- together.
myrna jean
Might-near euphoric -- up until 'leven forty-two on that Saturd'y night one month, three weeks, six days an' twelve-point-three hours ago, when I get that a-nonymous phone call from the Plucky Lucky Yucca tellin' me you wadn't, as you had assured me you was, workin' late at the garage.
freddie mae
All right! I have iterated an' reiterated, 'peatedly an' repeatedly -- with industrial-strength contrition, I might add -- that, as you see it -- mistakenly, I point out, my love -- that I done a wrong, which wadn' nearly as bad as you was lead to believe it was, 'cuz it involved only one other person, not the entire alto section of the Keno Avenue Presbyterian Church choir, like that unknown an' mysterious caller told you, which I still thank was prob'ly that connivin' little Maggie Jean shit-taker ...
myrna jean
Whittaker!
freddie mae
... who's had the hots for you ever since she moved here to open that Quiznos shop, and while Quiznoses, per se and in general, ain't half bad, her cuisine extraordinaire tastes like a puff pasture patty-melt smothered in maggots du jour. Just about all I did, as I have told you over and over agin and agin, was change Crystal McBeady's flat tire -- as I was on my way home from workin' late at the garage.
myrna jean
Oh that's "just about" all, is it?
freddie mae
I cain't help it she had some unconventional ways of wantin' to show her 'preciation, which I perty much resisted.
myrna jean
That's not exactly the way it was told to me.
freddie mae
Well it's almost exactly the way it happened.
myrna jean
I just cain't believe, after all-a these years, you would-a done me even a little bit of a wrong!
freddie mae
But you still love me, Myrna Jean. Y'know you do.
myrna jean
Oh, dang it, of course I love you, Freddie Mae! You're fetchin' an' frugal and huggable as a hamster. But Reverend Leuder said I gotta learn to be more rational and less 'motional.
freddie mae
You went f'r counselin'?
myrna jean
I went f'r pity. The counselin' was his idea.
freddie mae
Oh, Myrna Jean, you ain't graspin' the realness of the reality!
(offstage) mama (offstage)
Would y'all please keep it down out there!
myrna jean Sorry, Mama. |
|
freddie mae Okay, Mama. |
(continuing) freddie mae (continuing)
Who gets her?
myrna jean
Let's flip her to see.
freddie mae
You call.
myrna jean
Butt up.
(mama enters, wearing old robe and slippers, disheveled from having just awakened.)
mama
Nobody's flippin' me. I ain't lettin' you do that agin. And would y'all try to squabble an' bicker at a intensity somewhat less than what is already resurrectin' certain members of the Donner party? If y'all don't beat all ...
freddie mae
Sorry to wake you up before your normal noon-time slitherin' out.
mama
Don't know why y'all keep at it like you been a-doin'. Neither one of you'd survive 'thout the other. Lordy, you two been together so long I ain't even sure no more which one of you I actually give birth to.
(mama looks at them as myrna jean and freddie mae look at each other with feigned questioning.)
(continuing) mama (continuing)
Oh, don't gimme that! It was one of you. I'll count toes if I have to.
myrna jean
There's coffee there, you want some ...
mama
(Looking at the coffee-splattered counter top)
What am I s'posed to do? -- wipe it up with the dish rag an' suck it out?
myrna jean
There's some in the pot ...
mama
(Checking the pot)
Not neither ...
freddie mae
Sorry, reckin I drunk it all up ...
mama
That's a fine hidy-do ... kind-a treatment I get around here ... nothin' for a tired ol' lady to eat or drink ...
(mama scrabbles around and comes up with a partial loaf of bread and a bottle with "liquor".)
(continuing) mama (continuing)
That'll do nicely -- a balanced breakfast of vitamin three-B: bread, booze, and bring me some more.
(mama exits with bottle and bread in hand.)
freddie mae
I thank she should stay here with you. Those gnarly old roots prob'ly wouldn' transplant very good.
myrna jean
She likes ridin' in the pickup with her head out the windah, so you take her. But remember to keep the leash on her. Cain't afford another one-a them fines.
freddie mae
She's got that there garden goin' good. She'd miss that ...
myrna jean
Even when that barley matures, the fermentation and agin' process is gonna take longer'n she's got.
freddie mae
I don't thank she cares if it's fresh brewed.
(mama enters, wearing a faded old nightgown.)
mama
It's awful hot in this rusty old soup can. Could somebody put the air-conditioner on a notch somewhat cooler than the "Fry Me" settin'?
myrna jean
It's goin' full blast, Mama.
freddie mae
It's just awful hot outside.
mama
(Moving to exit)
Well somebody's gonna have to come in here an' give me some personal fannin', 'cuz I'm close to passin' over.
myrna jean
That'd be awful rough on us.
(mama exits.)
freddie mae
You're not goin' back to bed, are you, Mama?
(offstage) mama (offstage)
What differ'nce does it make?
freddie mae
It's Tuesd'y -- day Myrna Jean does the sheets.
myrna jean
If somebody'd ever re-pair the washboard.
freddie mae
(Yelling to Mama)
Never mind.
mama
(Entering)
I wouldn' have to lay around this here dump so much if somebody'd take me to the casino when I was in the mood for a little die-versity.
myrna jean
Seems t'me you been out there just about ever' day this month.
mama
Have not.
freddie mae
Have to.
mama
Have not.
myrna jean
Have to.
mama
Have not! I wouldn' f'rget somethin' as stimulatin' as that.
(mama exits.)
myrna jean
She'd f'rget how to breathe if I didn' squeeze her now an' agin.
(offstage) mama (offstage)
I didn' go on the third or the seventeenth!
myrna jean
Good for her -- she remembers the days that she was ... backed up.
freddie mae
So where would you go if you sold the trailer an' moved on?
myrna jean
Haven' rightly decided.
freddie mae
Not thankin'-a goin' back to Beaumont, are you?
myrna jean
What's it to you?
freddie mae
I'm plannin' on follerin' you, wherever you go, that's what.
myrna jean
My very own stalker. I'm both flattered an' dismayed.
freddie mae
Don't wanna be too far away from ya, that's all.
myrna jean
Well, I cain't go too far. Reckin the district attorney's prob'ly not gonna let me venture past the county line before the trial -- and then, if I'm found guilty ...
freddie mae
I'm sorry they come down on you so hard. I didn' know they'd be so rough on you.
myrna jean
What did you expect? You charged me with attempted murder, f'r Pete's sake.
freddie mae
Well, in case you forget, sweetheart, what you did was attempt to murder me!
myrna jean
Well, in case you forget, I was royally pissed!
freddie mae
Pissed I'll give you. Driven by murderous intent, I don't thank so.
myrna jean
You an' the state-a Nevada seem to be of a single mind on that point, when it's just one very dull knife we're talkin' about here.
freddie mae
One exquisitely tempered an' finely forged huntin' tool with a faux burl handle specially hand-carved f'r Walmart by the virginal pot-makers of the Parakana tribe of the Amazon River that I give you on our twentieth anniversary.
myrna jean
Cheap thang wouldn' cut rotten squash.
freddie mae
Well you managed to bruise me up with it mighty good when you came at me like a ruttin' rhino on a rampage.
(mama enters, wearing a dress and carrying a large purse, into which she's putting the liquor bottle.)
mama
I'm goin' to the casino. Nobody wants t'take me, that's fine, I don't give a wrinkled bean, I'll walk on these tired ol' bunion-ridden, corn-swaddled feet, the whole, complete and entire twenty-seven miles if I have to ...
freddie mae
It's four blocks.
mama
Ten if it's a foot.
freddie mae
Well I regret t'tell-ya that the gas tank's empty, and I'm broke, an' she's pissed ...
mama
I got money!
(mama reaches into her purse and starts pulling out bills by the fistful.)
myrna jean
Mama! You haven't been writin' notes to the teller at the bank agin, have you?
mama
I don't always lose when I go to the casino, case you wanna know ...
freddie mae
You got a dadgum fortune there!
(she keeps pulling wads of money from her purse.)
mama
That's what happens when you hit a couple-a them percussive jackpots.
freddie mae
A couple of'em?
myrna jean
What are you gonna do with all-a that money?
mama
That depends on the answer to a question or two. Y'all got your problems ironed out? You stayin' together?
freddie mae
That's up to her. Wadn' never my idea to be breakin' up.
myrna jean
And it wadn' never my idea that you was gonna wrong me, Freddie Mae!
freddie mae
I changed Crystal McBeady's dang flat tire, dagnabbit! That's just about all!
myrna jean
While all-a them other altos was just standin' aroun' sangin' "Kum Ba Ya"? Ha!
mama
Well, I wadn' wantin' to do this, but seems I got no choice. Myrna Jean, what was you doin' on Easter Sunday night out on Willow Switch Road with a certain Miss Sybil Sue Huffaker?
freddie mae
The late-night counter tart at the Dairy Queen?
myrna jean
(All innocence)
Who? Me?
mama
You're the only one in this lineup, ain'cha?
freddie mae
Well I'd like to hear about this!
mama
Oh, you're goin' to.
myrna jean
What makes you thank I was out, uh ... where did you say?
mama
Hey, I ain't doin' my "weejie" board here. No need f'r that when I been-a datin' a sheriff who utters some awful interestin' thangs durin' moments of hopeful -- and, I might add, very misleadin' -- foreplay.
freddie mae
What was you doin' out on Willow Switch Road?
mama
With Sybil Sue Huffaker.
myrna jean
F'r Pete's sake, it was perty much nothin'.
freddie mae
Tell me percisely how perty an' how much an' how nothin'.
myrna jean
Oh, awright! Sybil Sue said she'd been runnin' hot -- so I flushed her dang radiator, then we went f'r a drive to make sure ever'thang was cool.
freddie mae
An' that's all?
myrna jean
Just about.
freddie mae
What do you know about flushin' a radiator?
myrna jean
Enough to cool thangs off, 'cordin' to Sybil Sue.
freddie mae
(With full anger)
Now you lookie here! You tell me just what all went on out there --
mama
(Overlapping/interrupting)
Shut up, diddle-twit, 'cuz ever'thang's level at this point so don't start in hackin' on another leg. Here's the deal. I got the money right here to buy that double-wide next door y'all been a-droolin' over ever since Leta Faye run off with the night cook at Jack-in-the-Box ...
freddie mae
Hey, that place has got a toolshed.
myrna jean
And a deck with a built-in chase lounge ...
freddie mae
And a wind sock ...
myrna jean
And a hummin' bird feeder ...
mama
An' two bedrooms so I can have my own bed an' my own room. I'm gettin' too dang old f'r this here three-in-a-bed crap.
freddie mae
(To Myrna Jean)
It's got that little nook special plumbed where you can have a real washin' machine, honey. Inside.
myrna jean
And a carport so you can get that bunch-a ol' lawnmowers you been a-wantin' to build go-carts with.
mama
And we're keepin' this place so there's plenty-a room f'r my garden -- I'm gonna plant some corn, hops and a grapevine or two. You can turn this tacky ol' chamber pot into a chicken house.
(mama starts stuffing the money back into her purse.)
freddie mae
(To Myrna Jean)
If this ain't the end-a your rainbow, darlin', I don't know what is.
myrna jean
Oh, sweetheart, my pot runneth over.
freddie mae
An' this time there's no need to get the plunger.
mama
Now, soon as you take me to the land of slots, y'all can get busy makin' up an' makin' plans.
(mama moves to exit.)
freddie mae
You're not headed f'r the casino, are you?
mama
Sure as heck am. I got me a ticket to see that there guy always talkin' about them cracker-brained misfits who just might be rednecks.
(mama exits outside door.)
freddie mae
What if she loses all-a that money?
myrna jean
Well ... then ...
(A big smile -- giving in completely)
We'd be right back where we started, wouldn' we?
freddie mae
'Specially since I dropped the charges aginst you yesterd'y.
myrna jean
Aw, Freddie Mae, you are my girl, ain'cha?
(offstage) mama (offstage)
Well c'mon, dagnabbit! I'm cookin' out here!
(As lights start to fade, freddie mae gives myrna jean a quick kiss and turns to race out.)
-- The End –